Archive for Best Relationship Resources
July 22, 2008 at 4:02 pm · Filed under Best Relationship Resources
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June 24, 2008 at 6:58 am · Filed under Best Relationship Resources
My wife torments me everyday because I had an affair. I wish that I hadn’t cheated on her, it was wrong and I feel so much grief and shame over it. I just wish she would quit rubbing my nose in it. I know that she hates me, otherwise, why else would she continue to torment me with my past? Why won’t she forgive me? What can I do?
It is quite normal for a wife to be angry, bitter, and resentful towards her husband after he had an affair, and it’s perfectly okay for her to get those feelings out of her system. Even if that means to scream, shout, and name call. All of these feelings and actions are all very normalfor a time.
But there comes a time when a repentant husband shouldn’t have to take the abuse anymore, and this is when he needs to detach! Detaching with love is a necessity to keep his psyche well balanced and healthy.
1. Detach with love
Even though a wife is unable to forgive today or tomorrow doesn’t mean that she will not eventually come around and decide that her behavior isn’t getting her anywhere with her husband, especially when she sees that he is not letting her moments of unkindness and cruelty get to him.
As hard as it may seem to do, a husband ought to try and forgive his wife for her inability to forgive him. The reason for this is so he can detach from her emotional outbursts properly. If a husband is holding in negative feelings towards his wife, detaching will be difficult to do. He will feel antagonism in his heart, which is not detaching but hanging on to her abusive words.
I am a faithful advocate on the necessity of detachment. But knowing “how” and “when” to detach takes discernment. Always detach with love. You do this by telling your wife that you love her but for your own spiritual well-being, you will not take the emotional abuse any longer. It is now time for you to get out of the house and go get a cup of coffee somewhere, go for a drive, take a walk, go see a friend, go to a movie, etc. If for some reason you can’t get out of the house, get some earplugs.
Be consistent in your efforts even if she starts in on you in the middle of the night. Your wife needs to see that YOU are not going to be bullied around any longer. Don’t scream or name call back at her but always remain calm with her. Tell her again that you are sorry that you had an affair and that you love her. Tell her when she is ready to TALK, not abuse, you will be there for her. Walk away and leave! Come back in an hour or two, and if she starts in on you again, leave again.
When detaching with love there are 5 things to remember:
1. Be consistent
2. Remain Calm (don’t fight back)
3. Tell her you are sorry again
4. Tell her you love her
5. Be ready to talk with her when she is ready to talk
By doing these things you will be detaching with love.
2. Always remain kind and considerate
I know it is difficult to be kind while she is ranting and raving and calling you all kinds of names but this IS what will finally get her to express herself properly. She NEEDS to see that her emotional outbursts against you do not intimidate you, and the name calling does not disturb you.
You aren’t going to take it. Your spirit is tired of the trespassing and can’t take the emotional and mental abuse anymore! Remember, you love her, you’re sorry as heck, and you have remained calm, and you are ready to talk when she is ready to talk?
3. Pray for her - let her know that you have prayed for her to forgive you and to stop disrespecting you. Stay faithful through your actions. Tell you wife every night before falling asleep that you were faithful to her. Let her hear these words from you consistently for a month, Just say, “I love you, today I was faithful.”
“And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins” Mark 11:25
4. Keep your sense of judgment always on God
Having someone continually harass you, telling you what a lousy husband you are can wear down a guys self worth and make him feel miserable about himself. But it doesn’t have to be this way. By learning to detach with love and keeping yourself spiritually fit you can have complete clarity of mind to continue on with respect towards self and love towards those who are not so loving.
It is paramount that you continue in prayer by seeking God’s wisdom for your marriage, otherwise, you may become weak again and backslide, and I know that you don’t want that for your self.
“Blessed is the man who preserves under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him,” James 1:12
If you are carrying around negative feelings about yourself, remember that God has forgiven you and that you are a new person in Christ, equipped with the knowledge and wisdom to get past the trials and tribulations that are now embracing your life. Learn form your mistakes (sins) and grow out from those mistakes knowing that you are a worthy and respectable husband and person.
Someone said something unkind about me. Are my feelings hurt? Yes. Should they be? No. How do I overcome my hurt? By detaching myself. “Turning it off,” until I can figure out what lies behind it. If it is retaliation for an unkindness I did, let me correct my fault. If not, I have no responsibility in the matter. Should I ignore or challenge? No, I will let it go; least said, soonest mended. Nothing can hurt me unless I allow it to. When I am pained by anything that happens outside of myself, it is not that thing which hurts me, but the way I think and feel about it.(One Day At A Time In AL-ANON)
Be patient with your wife for a bit longer. Knowing how to detach is the first step in taking care of your self. Let your wife see she can trust the man she married. Your new attitude will reflect on to her and she will finally come out of her feelings and decide to forgive with the completeness of her heart.
A patient man has great understanding…Proverbs 14:29
Angie Lewis offers spiritual enlightenment tips for couples in marriage, and is the author of new release book JOURNEY ON THE ROADS LESS TRAVELED.
This unique book is about love, life, marriage, addiction, temptation, and understanding the power of spiritual awareness for your marriage. In her book, Angie reveals her own journey of overcoming addiction and battling with her negative emotions that she allowed to embrace her life and marriage.
To find out more about this new book click here, http://www.spiritual.journeybooks.4t.com/
ISBN 1413788904
Avaliable Amazon online!
Angie Lewis counsels couples and writes a monthly newsletter where she reveals her secrets on how YOU can stay happily married for life!
Subscribe to get your FREE monthly newsletter so you can stay happily and forever married!
http://www.heavenministries.com/
April 17, 2008 at 3:54 pm · Filed under Best Relationship Resources
A healthy marriage always relies on the foundation of honesty, trust, honor, respect and commitment. These undisputable truths are found in the bible. What is undisputable truths? God designed marriage to be indissoluble. The only disclaimer for marriage is if there is physical violence and any kind of abuse to a spouse. The latter is debatable, but God’s indisputable truths is not. In other words, these are not my opinions or beliefs, but God’s.
Should adultery be included in the disclaimer for divorce? I don’t think so. What is adultery? It is a spiritual imbalance of one or both spouses unable to commit themselves to one another. The root of major issues in marriage originate from an unhealthy spiritual psyche. If you want to be justified in your adulterous affairs go to a shrink. If you want to discontinue your weakness, seek Jesus Christ. Just because the world is a supporter of divorce doesn’t justify it in the eyes of God.
God wants us to support the marriage pledge by His foundations of indisputable truths. He wants us to honor and respect our spouse for who they are, faults and all. A healthy psyche will enable couples to do that, while a spiritually bankrupt one will not. Commitment is a word that means so much to God, but yet so little to couples in their marriage. If couples were committed to their marriage they would be looking for reasons to stay together instead of reason to leave each other!
Stop looking at the grass on the other side of the fence. If you keep looking over there, soon you will see the brown spots where the dog has urinated.
Love doesn’t even factor into any of this. People use the word “love” loosely. “I love you.” What does that mean? Show me you love me and I will believe you. Give to me without wanting anything in return. Die for me if you have to. Don’t say, “I love you”, show me that you love me!
The truth most couples perceive to be correct for their marriage comes from self. The self guided tour for marriage believes in divorce, infidelity, addiction, resentment, hate, lust, bitterness of heart and immorality, etc. If we believe these truths long enough, what happens? We become dead to the indisputable truths that come from God. We remain in bondage to the sinful nature of self.
The sinful nature believes the only way out of an unhappy marriage is divorce. And isn’t it ironic how society has made it so justifiable to divorce our spouse over such pettiness. The spiritually bankrupt psyche expects happiness and contentment at all costs, and will go after it with gusto through the only understanding they know; foundation of self.
Ironically, the sinful nature even acknowledges the existence of God, but doesn’t have faith enough to pursue the indisputable truths for marital happiness and contentment. All of this error in thinking can be eliminated from the psyche. The way we think, what we believe, and what we allow into our heart and mind undeniably comes back out in the way we live, and how we direct our marriage. We live what we think. In retrospect, what we generate into our heart comes out in our actions.
Because most couples do not know any better, they end up playing god in their marriage, and in so doing, do those things which come from the selfish arena, which are in contradiction to God’s undisputable truths. For an example, if I play god, I will direct the marriage under my own understanding of what I want and what I feel. The selfish aspect of my nature tells me to do what I want, and to do what will make me happy, not considering the feelings of my spouse.
Culture of society plays itself out with this kind of error in thinking. People are like chameleons, individuality is lost, and becomes one in its beliefs. They acknowledge God exists, but can’t seem to accept the Godly truths for themselves. This self-inflicted culture is formed through the lack of spirituality, which then flourishes on rebelliousness and denial to the indisputable truths. Even though, the indisputable truths are right under their nose!
“In whom the God of this world hath blinded the minds of them which believe not, lest the light of the glorious gospel of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine unto them.” II Corinthians 4:4 KJV
The bottom line. The word of God is open and revealed to everyone, except for those who refuse to believe. Satan “is the god of this age” His work is to deceive, and he has blinded those who don’t believe in Jesus Christ.
To often, the allure of those selfish aspects of nature supersede the spiritual side of us, and money, power and pleasure blinds people to the light of Christ’s word. Those who have rejected Christ and prefer their own pursuits have unknowingly made satan their god.
“For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into the apostles of Christ. And no marvel; for satan himself is transformed into an angel of light.” II Corinthians 11:13-14 KJV
Satan and his servants deceive many people by appearing to be attractive, good, and moral. Many unsuspecting marriages follow these smooth talking, bible quoting leaders and are lead into the practice of immorality, lust and deceit. Such as the practice of divorce, homosexuality, infidelity, and other immoral acts have became a thing of this new culture in the world.
The biggest and greatest truth is God’s indisputable truths never change. They always stay the same even when cultures around the world change to conform to immorality of the day, God’s words and precepts stay the same!!!
God intends marriage to be a lifetime commitment. That being the case, those entering into marriage, should never consider divorce an option for solving problems or a way out of a relationship that seems dead.
…”that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, “For this cause shall a man leave father and mother and shall cleave to his wife; and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore what God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. Mathew 19: 3-6 KJV
Angie Lewis copyright 2005
Journey on the Roads Less Traveled
http://spiritual.journeybooks.4t.com
ISBN 1413788904
